First and foremost, let me be clear—this is not parenting advice. But, I will say my sincere hope is that it is some parenting wisdom in real time for someone who may need it (and trust me, with a 16-year-old, I’ve earned a few stripes—cue the laughs from those of you just starting out!). Sending ya'll love because wwhhewww! Having a todder or little kid in 2024...LOL! But seriously, this isn't advice, and I’m far from a perfect parent—or human. I just feel called to share what I’m learning as I navigate healing generational patterns, especially with what God’s revealing in my own family and the changes I see manifesting that I prayed for. Having kids in their pre-teen and teen years has me tested daily, and let me tell you, Spirit has been chatting a lot lately...
This photo is reminding me of how far I've come as a wife and mom. "Wipes tear"
What are Generational Patterns? Generational patterns are behaviors, beliefs, or traumas passed down from one generation to the next. These can manifest in various ways, including how we handle emotions, relationships, finances, or even self-worth. Often, we unknowingly repeat these cycles as they are rooted in habits or wounds we absorb through our experiences.
My Healing Journey: As I navigate my own experiences, patterns my parent (single mom) and grandparents carried are being brought to the surface from a lens I didn't previously see them through. Some of them are still being revealed to me as I peel back the layers. Whether it is responding to similar challenges in the same way they did or carrying similar buried fears, I now see how these patterns have influenced how I sometimes show up as a parent. I started my family at 20, before I barely knew myself, and let me tell you, I’ve been wearing all the hats ever since—mom, wife, entrepreneur, chef, therapist, referee, you name it. The burnout from juggling it all has definitely been real and created a lot of pain and at times depression/anxiety, but it’s also what sparked the depth of my spiritual journey. And let’s just say, the things I’ve uncovered about myself? Whew, healing, yes—but also like, who even was I before this? Sometimes, I don't even recognize that person.
One of the most profound realizations I've had is that my children are mirroring parts of myself. Their reactions, emotions, and behaviors sometimes trigger me, not because of them, but because they are reflecting areas in me that needed, and continues to need, healing. It Is as if they hold up a mirror, showing me the places I still need to grow. I am finally looking in the mirror and taking a really good, hard look.
What I’m Learning So Far:
Self-awareness is key: I’m actively working on recognizing the hidden patterns I carry from my younger years. These patterns have a way of showing up in how I react under stress, communicate in conflict, and express love. Every day isn’t perfect (let's be real, some days I’m just trying not to yell or do the opposite, shut down!), but I’m learning to pause more often and reflect instead of falling into old habits. Right now, I’m noticing when I’m parenting from a place of fear or control, and I’m choosing, sometimes with a deep breath, (whew!) to respond with more understanding and empathy. I believe this process of becoming more mindful helps me break cycles, one choice at a time.
Stepping Into Their Shoes: A turning point for me was learning to put myself in my children’s shoes. We often act like they are "just kids" and that the magnitude of their experiences can't compare to being an adult. Intentionally trying to understand their perspective, especially when they are upset or frustrated, gives me new insights into how my responses shapes their experiences. This is teaching me patience, empathy, and the power of leading with love. It is showing me things little Brandy needed as a child and makes me proud that this version of myself can hold space for their needs.
Using Your Children as Mirrors: I used to think parenting was about molding and guiding my children, but I’m learning it’s just as much about them molding me. My kids are very vocal and are at the age where they can definitely flip the script (respectfully) and tell me about myself, which can at times make me feel like I turn into a brat when I'm the blunt of the family jokes. They are showing me some of my unresolved feelings. When my kids are anxious or angry, it forces me to confront emotions I’ve been avoiding. Healing isn’t just personal—it’s a family journey. I believe we all came together in this lifetime to help each other evolve. They show unconditional love and help me discover my capacity to give AND receive love.
Our Children are also teachers: I’m constantly reminded that my kids are not just learning from me—they’re also teaching me. I can just see how wise they are. It reminds me of ways that our generation tried to tell our parents stuff that they thought was a bunch of crap. Will Smith said "Parents just don't understand!" and I'm trying to understand! (inserts another corny joke-LOL!)
Their actions, words, and emotions reveal so much about the unresolved parts of myself, and honestly some of the parts of myself from childhood that I want to forget some days! When they’re anxious or acting out, it often reflects something I need to work on within me. I’m learning to view their behavior as an opportunity for growth rather than a problem to fix. In heated scenarios with them I’m practicing asking myself, “What is this situation revealing about them? About me?”
Parenting is reparenting: I’m realizing that the challenges I face with my children often highlight the unmet needs from my own childhood. (And before we parent stab, I love my mama and a part of healing is realizing that our parents did their best given their circumstances). Through parenting, I’m also reparenting myself and integrating the parts of me that have been missing. I’m actively giving my inner child the compassion, patience, and validation I needed back then. As I parent my kids, I’m healing my own wounds and rewriting my story—creating a new, healthier narrative for both myself and my children.
We can do this ladies! We can heal!
I’m still deep in the trenches of breaking generational cycles, and let me tell you—it’s no walk in the park. It takes conscious effort, vulnerability, and a whole lot of courage to challenge the ways I was raised. Confronting uncomfortable truths about myself and my family’s patterns isn’t exactly fun, but I’m finding strength in knowing I’m laying a stronger foundation for my kids. Every time I choose patience over frustration (instead of losing it), or actually listen to their side instead of forcing mine, I know I’m breaking the cycle. And in doing so, I’m giving my children—and future generations—a healthier, more loving framework to thrive in. I didn't grow up with women in my family that I felt I could truly express MY thoughts to vs just being told what to do and how to do it, so I pray that I'm that wise ancestor that helps the generations after me to find their true voice.
Sending you love,
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